Knowledge is Power.

It's not a big surprise that feministing.com is one of my favorite websites. They keep me up to date on issues that I care most about and I hold a place in my heart for these women who speak out. There was a post today about a woman who doesn't really masturbate. She also didn't know where her clitoris was until she was out of college. I don't blame her, I mean really - where was she supposed to get this information if it's not provided? This was what she wrote:

"Inner and outer sexual conflict
I just read another post in this community about conflict between being a feminist yet not feeling like a feminist because of self-esteem issues. (And I apologize if I am putting my words into her mouth...) I have the same feelings, but dealing with a different issue.

I can't masturbate.

Well, physically I can, but it takes a lot of nerve for some reason and I can't actually enjoy it. No one ever told me it was wrong. No one told me about it period. I have older sisters and drunkenly asked them one day if they had ever masturbated. They hadn't. One is 10 years older than myself, but never has.

When looking inward, I note that I feel ashamed of that part of my body. It's foreign to me and uncomfortable to think about. The one time I actively masturbated, I didn't get anything out of it.

I feel silly admitting this, but I didn't know where my clitoris was until I was out of college. I don't remember any of my sex ed classes ever mentioning that and no boyfriend deemed it worthy of attention either.

I'm not ashamed of my body anymore, but I'm also not comfortable with it. I've come to realize that I like my body because the man in my life likes my body. He is reassuring and loving and very comfortable with his body. Yet during sex I have never orgasmed. And since I've never successfully masturbated, that means I've never ever orgasmed.

I own a vibrator but never worked up the nerve to use it. Sex feels good, but stimulation is so full of sensation it hurts. I honestly don't blame my husband for me not orgasming, because if I can't relax to give myself one, an outside force is not the answer. I'm not sure if this post means I'm looking for answers or that I'm just trying to write down what I've been feeling for years now. Any response is welcome. Even while writing this, I'm still confused about what, if anything, is wrong."

I just felt the need to clarify that she's not alone on this subject. I also wanted to let her know that the best way to have an orgasm is to feel comfortable with herself.. that really is the only way. This was my response and I feel pretty good with how it turned out.


"Okay - I need to start by saying that this post made me sad.. but also that this is so common it's not even funny. I used to work for Good Vibrations (women focused sex shop in San Francisco) for years and women would come in DAILY with the same issue. One woman in particular stands out in my mind. She was in her 50's and had never had an orgasm while having sex. This is when I had to give her the news: about 90% of women can't have an orgasm from penetration alone.. it's all about the clitoris. This woman started crying before me, saying she had thought something was wrong with her for all these years. That broke my heart because it's true, hardly any women know this because of the lack of PROPER sex education.
I had to work hard to get the information I now have. After living a life of harassment and abuse, I decided to figure out my body so that it was MINE. So that I knew EVERYTHING I needed to know about it and this is when everything changed. I really feel that you can't fully enjoy sex with another person until you REALLY know your body and what it likes and dislikes.. and how it responds to some things and not other things. A partner can help, sure.. but it really comes down to you focusing on yourself and knowing all your parts, the names of them and how they function. I have to say, this will also boost your self esteem by about a million percent because you won't need someone else to tell you why you should love yourself. You'll know it! Knowledge really is power."