Knowledge is Power.

It's not a big surprise that feministing.com is one of my favorite websites. They keep me up to date on issues that I care most about and I hold a place in my heart for these women who speak out. There was a post today about a woman who doesn't really masturbate. She also didn't know where her clitoris was until she was out of college. I don't blame her, I mean really - where was she supposed to get this information if it's not provided? This was what she wrote:

"Inner and outer sexual conflict
I just read another post in this community about conflict between being a feminist yet not feeling like a feminist because of self-esteem issues. (And I apologize if I am putting my words into her mouth...) I have the same feelings, but dealing with a different issue.

I can't masturbate.

Well, physically I can, but it takes a lot of nerve for some reason and I can't actually enjoy it. No one ever told me it was wrong. No one told me about it period. I have older sisters and drunkenly asked them one day if they had ever masturbated. They hadn't. One is 10 years older than myself, but never has.

When looking inward, I note that I feel ashamed of that part of my body. It's foreign to me and uncomfortable to think about. The one time I actively masturbated, I didn't get anything out of it.

I feel silly admitting this, but I didn't know where my clitoris was until I was out of college. I don't remember any of my sex ed classes ever mentioning that and no boyfriend deemed it worthy of attention either.

I'm not ashamed of my body anymore, but I'm also not comfortable with it. I've come to realize that I like my body because the man in my life likes my body. He is reassuring and loving and very comfortable with his body. Yet during sex I have never orgasmed. And since I've never successfully masturbated, that means I've never ever orgasmed.

I own a vibrator but never worked up the nerve to use it. Sex feels good, but stimulation is so full of sensation it hurts. I honestly don't blame my husband for me not orgasming, because if I can't relax to give myself one, an outside force is not the answer. I'm not sure if this post means I'm looking for answers or that I'm just trying to write down what I've been feeling for years now. Any response is welcome. Even while writing this, I'm still confused about what, if anything, is wrong."

I just felt the need to clarify that she's not alone on this subject. I also wanted to let her know that the best way to have an orgasm is to feel comfortable with herself.. that really is the only way. This was my response and I feel pretty good with how it turned out.


"Okay - I need to start by saying that this post made me sad.. but also that this is so common it's not even funny. I used to work for Good Vibrations (women focused sex shop in San Francisco) for years and women would come in DAILY with the same issue. One woman in particular stands out in my mind. She was in her 50's and had never had an orgasm while having sex. This is when I had to give her the news: about 90% of women can't have an orgasm from penetration alone.. it's all about the clitoris. This woman started crying before me, saying she had thought something was wrong with her for all these years. That broke my heart because it's true, hardly any women know this because of the lack of PROPER sex education.
I had to work hard to get the information I now have. After living a life of harassment and abuse, I decided to figure out my body so that it was MINE. So that I knew EVERYTHING I needed to know about it and this is when everything changed. I really feel that you can't fully enjoy sex with another person until you REALLY know your body and what it likes and dislikes.. and how it responds to some things and not other things. A partner can help, sure.. but it really comes down to you focusing on yourself and knowing all your parts, the names of them and how they function. I have to say, this will also boost your self esteem by about a million percent because you won't need someone else to tell you why you should love yourself. You'll know it! Knowledge really is power."

Curves.

I just emailed Levi's because it was nearly IMPOSSIBLE to find a size 14. A size 14! I am sick and tired of feeling like I am not supposed to be curvy. Like it's not how women are supposed to be shaped. When I look in "normal" sized stores I find that everything is too small, and when I shop in the "plus" sized stores, everything is wayyy too big. So where do I belong? I have hips because I'm supposed to and all I've been able to find in any store i've gone into is a size 0-6. I was lucky to stumble over 1 pair of size 14 shorts yesterday at Old Navy. It was the last pair they had...sooooo you would THINK they got the clue. Girls are not size 0's which is why there are 190489105205 pairs left over and no size 14's or god forbid, anything OVER a size 14 left in the store. It's because this is the only thing we can fit our hips into. Apparently evolution got it wrong..we are obviously supposed to be shaped like sticks..and these hips? A mistake thanks to nature. Riiiiiight. So what did I do? I wrote them a goddamn letter.

"I went into your San Francisco store today and was disgusted that the only sizes that were on display were 0 and 1. Me being a size 14 was of couse disgruntled that it was difficult to find ANYTHING in my size. A girl next to me was having the same problem and she was a size 6-8...what is the problem here? You are producing sizes for women that are maybe 1 in 100! A size 0 and 1! That's all they had! This was for multiple styles and it was absolutely ridiculous! Women are not sticks, we have CURVES and this does not mean we should only have to wear tapered jeans. Please come to your senses and realize that we are not models. We eat and that's OKAY. By displaying these disgustingly small sizes you are encouraging eating disorders and giving women the wrong body image. Get your act together! Just because I wear a size 14 means I have to pay $58 dollars vs. the $29.99 for the small sizes?! Are you kidding me? Also, having your sales people say "ohhh...they don't make these over a 12" The fact that I have curves means I am not allowed to wear pants?"


I've gone down a pants size since I started losing weight. I have this idea in my head, that even if I do lose more weight I DO NOT want my curves to go away!!! NO!!!!! I love them!! I love the way curvy girls look, and I am being 100% sincere when I say this. It just looks so..hot! It really does, to me anyway. Not to say there is anything wrong with girls who don't have curves, I think all women are awesome, it's just that curves are my fortay but how did they become so unwanted in the eye of fashion? How did a size 8 become "plus" sized? And how did we get people like Tyra Banks telling us what a body should look like? A woman who was so pissed off that people considered her to be fat at a size 6. So mad that she televised herself going crazy screaming that she is not fat! Welcome to our world. So what does she do? She adds a "plus sized" model to her show America's Next Top Model..sort of ironic if you think about it. The plus sized girl was a size 6. And at a size 14 I am obese. I am so big that I am not allowed to wear pants in the eyes of clothing stores. Unless I go into a plus sized store in which case nothing fits me because I am not plus sized. I have a small waist and bigger hips. Where does this leave me?

"This weekend I became convinced that there is a similar island called 'The Island of the Girls with Hips,'and it is only a matter of time before I’m taken in the night and forced to spend my life there. And I’ll have no hope for a happy ending. I have hips. I want that clear and up front. Protruding from either side of me, below my waist, are two bony knobs, which form what many doctors call 'baby-bearing hips.' These are obviously some sort of anomaly to the world, since at the mall this weekend I found no clothes that recognized them as normal. Let me just put this straight. I am not fat. In fact, I’m decently thin. But I have that hourglass shape that supposedly is so desirable, but no clothing manufacturer admits exists. Shopping for skirts, pants, dresses is a nightmare and there are certain stores that I walk in knowing I’ll walk out in tears. Ann Taylor does not believe in hips. I don’t know if she has them or not, but I know she doesn’t allow anyone working at her stores to have them. Her dresses are cute little sheaths or slim skirts, where the waist and hips are different in circumference by about a half-inch. Express only believe in hips when you find the occasionally a-line skirt. Don’t even think of pants. Gap hates hips, but has made one concession – Reverse Fit jeans. Though hard to find, these jeans are the staples of my wardrobe and the only hint I have of a hip-friendly future." -Jennifer Lofquist

To read the rest of the article (which I can relate to so well!) go here: a moms love

For all you girls out there who have had a hard time finding a pair of jeans that FIT, speak out! Write letters, inform managers, draw hourglasses and insist this body is correct and DEMAND clothes that are designed to fit your sexy figures!

Reclaim yourself.

I wanted a place to keep track of things. I want to hear stories and explain situations and write down my findings on women and sex and our bodies and what they mean and how they work and why they are treated how they are in this society. I want a place for people to go when they have questions and I want to be asked questions to find answers through research and experience. Ohmymaybee is a blog about women, choices and decisions based on health and information.

(picture by Cristy C. Road)